The Final Chapter (Letter)

Dearest One, Lately I've been trying to get my life back on track. I've wanted to live now, more then ever before. There's a problem though, and that's you! I met you so long ago, and only then did my life seem complete. I've cared about you more then I ever deemed possible. I let you know me, I let myself "love you." I remember everything that we shared, I remember every talk, every laugh. I even remember that night when I was crying on the phone. I can quote what you said to me, and then, at that night I knew. I knew that I cared for you more then I'd ever be able to handle. We shared so many things, and I felt like we really knew each other. I even for awhile believed that I loved you. I don't know what lead me to believe that. Maybe it was how, in your arms everything felt right. Maybe it was because I wanted to hear your tender voice when I woke up, and when I slept. I wanted to give you the world, that's if I wouldn't do. I, for the longest time wanted to be with you. I just wanted a chance to show you how "amazing" I could be. For the longest time, that was my hearts desire. Now, thinking back to everything that we had, and mostly what we didn't, I am un consolable. In the same breath I gained and lost everything that mattered. The feelings that I had for you,turned me to things that I never wanted part in. Liking you slowly killed me, you stole my heart. And you used it against me in all possible ways. Looking back over the few years I noticed that I've cried my eyes dry, and there's nothing left. I lived in our memories believing that if I tried, and held enough hope that something would happen. I had faith that my wish would be granted. When I allowed myself to think as though my life had it's only request, I cannot describe the feeling that came. I felt peace, hope, faith, love, "being", and mostly importantly, I felt special. I tried very many times to rid myself for my feelings. I always did good for some time, but then I fell like a ton of bricks even harder. You held my life in your lovely hands. I haven't been the same since I met you. You created so much in me, you gave me a purpose. And yet you broke me down into pieces that I still can't find. You were my everything, and yet my doom. I dreamed of "us" so often, I enjoyed playing with the possibilities. But now, years later, and my attempts at creating something futile, I know what I have to do. I've wanted to be over you for the longest time, I wanted to be rid of this life for as long as I "liked" you. I thought it was love, I believed that it was love. But love has to be returned, love has to be mutual. Love has to be different then this hell that I've been subjected to for soooo long. This isn't love, I don't know the exact thing, but love doesn't fit. The whole reason for doing this, is for me. I'm trying to be happy again, I'm trying to live again, and I cannot live like this. I refuse to spend another year of my life like this. So this is what I want: I want to be over you, because there is no future, I want to be "whole" again, and I can't do that with you, I want to be able to breathe and not have a heavy chip on my heart. I'm doing what I've had to do for years. I'm saying the hardest thing to you, I need my closure, I need to live. I need to look in the mirror and see that glimmer of life! The one that's been missing for years! Seeing as though, I probably can't have my chance, nor my closure, I'm ending it. I cannot and will not "love/like" you. I am unable to do that ever again. I will not be subjected to this ever again. So my dearest one, I know you never knew what you meant to me. I know you'll never see my tears, I know you'll never feel my endless pain,I know you will never know my mass amounts of love for you. They know, they know that sparkle, they know what I felt, but it was You who needed to know. And with that, I'm done, I wipe my hands of you! You were my wish, you were my everything, and now I have to make you nothing. I want my life back, and I want it forever, and I cannot do that with you. So this is my good-bye. I loved you, too bad you never knew!This is a letter (obviously) and I'm deciding wether or not to give it to "dearest one." maybe you can help. He never understood, I wonder if this would help? -Thanks- Written December 27th, 2001 © on Jan 14 2002 08:27 AM PST   10 • 0 • 8