Principia Futilia Vol. I The Ron

The Wonder that is the Ron                   Labels were created by man to provide clarity in his life; to define things previously unknown. They are necessary and helpful things in their simplest form, needed to make things like 'rat poison' distinct from things like 'delicious candy'. Labels are applied to ideas of a more vague sort in an attempt to understand them. While these things can't really be measured, they can be somewhat defined with the appropriate label. 'Freedom' may leave room for messy interpretation, but the simple label is easier than assigning an odd thousand or so descriptive words to a concept. So then, it is natural in this era of wholly un-necessary social interaction, labels are utilized simply to make things easier. I'll use my friend Willis as an example. Willis is a conundrum that can't be explained by a label. He's enormously complex in behavior and mindset; completely unable to be described with fewer than a few thousand well-placed words. However to reach this assumption I've made 3 years of observations, gleaned information from conversations, and overall experienced Willis in ways passerby never could in the span of time they take in an assessment of him. So, to make things simple, he's a punk. A simple lable, with it unspoken assumptions and rules of conduct. While the true Lyndsay might love 17th century english literature, the punk label says nothing on the subject. In many ways, labels do little else than justify stereotypes, but in some cases they can serve a beneficial purpose. Sadly for humanity, not all of us can afford to be individuals on a public basis. If there's to be any progress made in civilization, it's necessary for entire human lives to be consumed by conformity. More cogs need to be put into place to keep the gears of humanity turning.                                Take a look at the shirt you're wearing. Who owns the farm where the cotton was picked to make it? Who actually planted the cotton? Who shipped the cotton to the textile factory? Who designed the shirt? Who works at the factory to construct it? Who packs the shirts into boxes? Who loads those boxes onto the trucks? Who drives the trucks to the stores? Who unpacks the boxes and hangs up the shirts in the display rack? Who's the clerk who sold you the shirt?  It's all quite amazing. Here, a simple cotton shirt, requires hundreds upon hundreds of lives to be saturated with routine. If all the world's a stage, about 5.5 billion of us are needed to work the lights. What I'm driving at through all this fluff, I suppose, is that man likes his universe clearly labeled and easy to understand. It's only natural, then, that the complex should frighten him, leading to all manner of labels and measurements. Man can easily label himself in terms of height, weight, heart rate, etc. etc, but how is he to measure how virtuous he is? How good of a human being he may be? It is in my humble opinion that from this nagging insecurity such things as baseball cards and RolePlaying Games were born. Humans crave to be assigned a number, some verification of their worth. So some of them turn to their 20th level Paladins or their Barry Bonds Rookie Cards.                   I, however, have formulated a device that will permanently put to rest any further misconceptions. I call this device, the Ron, the first all-purpose unit of measurement. While the Ron is quite capable of measuring physical characteristics, its real strength lies in its ability to tranverse into the cloudly realm of deep philosophical thought and define a previously vague and slippery concept. Concepts such as say, freedom. In the recent past, one might utter the phrase "Let freedom ring!" and be at a complete loss to further clarify himself. How much freedom should ring? A hogshead, or just a pint? Obviously that makes little sense, and saying that the freedom should flow like a mighty stream or something of that sort sounds nice, but provides no real information. However, by utilizing the Ron, the issue may be readily made clear. "Let 6 Rons of freedom ring!" Now, the audience has a much better idea as to what's going on. The virtues and vices of man, too, are easily defined by the Ron. To say, for example, that Mike is a patient fellow leaves all too much to the imagination. To say that Mike has approximately 17 Rons of patience, now that's saying something. It should be noted, however, that due to the extreme complexity of the definition of the Ron, its magnitude varies depending on its subject. Table: The Ron and its various magnitudes 1 Ron freedom = 7 Rons hope 1 Ron evil = 17,928 Rons lust 1 Ron perseverance = 1/26 Rons utopia 1 Ron suffering = 4 Rons love -3 Rons suffering = 78 Rons love 1 Ron = 3.87 Rons           It should be noted that the only unit of measurement which the Ron can translate into is the Ron itself, at the above rate of 3.87 Rons for every Ron. The only tie which the Ron has with physical measurement is the Phone book. The Ron, in terms of height, is said to equal 4 phone books stacked one on top of the other. Whether the mass, volume, weight, and so on of these phonebooks are also equatable to a Ron is in hot debate. Also it should be noted that phone books vary from region to region, giving the Ron the necessary versatility to define the previously undefinable. Some noteworthy scholars have suggested the existence of subgenres of the Ron, existing within the Ron itself (the Ronnie and the Ronald), however no evidence has arisen to support this theory. Further developments will be published as research continues. Written February 13th, 2002 © on Feb 13 2002 12:44 PM PST   0 • 14