Principia Futilia Vol. III: New Products

Cooperative Competition Incorporated Greetings friends, and welcome to the homepage of the only company fully endorsed by Utumaru, Cooperative Competition Incorporated. I highly suggest you buy stock in us immediately, as we have many exciting projects that are sure to make us all rich as Danish Kings. Care to look at a few? Victory Cola: Sure, both Pepsi and Coke claim that drinking their syupy carbon-water will put you in a better mood, but only Victory Cola has scientific proof that this is so. That’s because along with delicious glucose and the finest natural spring water, Victory Cola is packed to the brim with the good vibes of Prozac, Zoloft, and several sedatives! Feel the chemicals in your mind bubble with pure bliss as you down a can of delectable Victory Cola! Buy some today! External Car-Speakers: I know you’ve all seen and heard them, the low ridin’, trash talkin’, bass blastin’ gangsta funk lords pimpin’ it down your street, their massive systems shaking the Earth. But of course, if any of you have been in the car with them, you know the amount of bass generated by these beasts of sound is downright unhealthy, not to mention unpleasant to listen to. The solution, my friends, is external car speakers. Gigantic woofers, subwoofers, and uberwoofers mounted on the sides and ceiling of your car, giving maximum piss-off-neighboring-cars factor, and minimum discomfort! Bloodgrog: Hey all you intimidating vampires-to-be out there, is the shock value of your spikes and leather wearing off? Need something new to make the mortals cringe? Well here’s your answer, friends. It’s the bottled drink with the look, texture, and taste of human blood! Those who just don’t understand you are sure to wince and grimace as you down the scarlet liquid, and once the bitter, coppery taste hits your pierced tongue, you’ll be hooked! Pain for Profit Agency: Broke? Need some quick cash? Dumb as a box o' rocks? Then shuffle, skate, or meander your way down to your local Pain for Profit Agency and get instant rewards for doing next to no work! Simply walk in, sign your name, and mutilate yourself in various ways for different cash rewards! Just need enough for a burger and fries? Fire a few staples into your arm! Say you need to finance a car? Hack all your fingers off with a jagged, rusty razor! Never has losing a limb been so profitable! And for all of you heartless spectators out there, seats are going cheap to watch the idiots in action! ( The results of this agency will be compiled for a social experiment ) Personality Trading Cards: It’s time to face the facts, building character and a personality the old fashioned way just has no place in our everything-at-the-push-of-a-button society. Who has the time to find yourself when there’s prime time to watch and microwave eggs to eat? Here’s the solution! By the year 2020, all personalities will be determined by the ownership of Personality Trading Cards, there’ll be no need to actually back them up with speech, actions, or even thought! Want to be a sensitive kind of guy? Better get searching for that elusive "Knows How to Cry" card the ladies love! Need a spot of self-esteem? Buy some! Fun to trade with your friends! Does Billy have that "Love of Fine Literature" you want ever-so-badly? Well maybe you can entice him to give it up for some "Patience" and "Vegetarianism!" Also, look into new shoulder-worn deck containers to keep your personality prominently displayed to the rest of the world. S.C.U.M.-Self Contained Universal Machine: The Internet era is here, and there’s no hiding from it. Now virtually anything can be obtained through the computer. Food, toys, furniture, even love! With people like Dotcom Guy setting an example, it’s time to embrace the humanity of inhumanity. Why bother going through the trials and tribulations of life on the outside world, when most of your existence can be spent conviently in one of our Self Contained Universal Machines? They’re basically large eggs, with a computer prominently displayed, with access to the internet and tubes for delivery. With no need for conventional housing, the Self Contained Universal Machine saves a whole lot of rent, too! Everything can be ordered directly from the internet, and delivered via the network of intricate tubes. Food, water, and don’t forget oxygen, all without moving anything but your fingers! Over time, your naked body will adapt to fit neatly in the confines of your egg-like domicile, and discomfort should be non-existent. Our scientists predict that within forty years, nearly two thirds the population of America will own one of these, forming one big happy community! Think of it! Never relating to anyone through physical means, which can breed prejudices, but only mentally! All your friends and relatives, known only as vague collections of thoughts expressed through data. Say you and a mate want to go into having a child? Just mail off the egg and seed through the tubes, and our geneticists will create a healthy child for you, in vitro! Your child will be specially cared for and educated in the ways of the Self Contained Universal Machine until the age of 5, when the little bundle of joy will receive a Self Contained Universal Machine of his very own, ready and eager to enter the collective murmur of countless consciousnesses. Self Contained Universal Machines: Because life is a hassle. Walt Disney Commemarative Chunks: Walt Disney, the Anti-Christ with art skills rivaling Hitler’s, can now be yours to a certain extent thanks to Walt Disney Commemerative Chunks. Having purchased the frozen body of Walt, we’ve hewn him into countless 2x2 centimeter cubes to be sold off like pieces of the Berlin Wall! A great conversation piece, and exudes a deliciously pungeant odor when thawed! Fill your home with the heartwarmingly sticky-sweet stench of Walt Disney Commemarative Chunks. Astronaut Alcohol: I'm cashing in on the craze we have today with "High-tech" food. Personally I think the hot dog I ate today involves more technology than most of these wonders, but I shall indulge the masses. Now Alcohol, the drink we all know and love, is available in convient tubed form! Never has getting blasted been this easy, or fun! Take it anywhere, in the shower, school, on the job, or on the road! Just rip it open and squeeze the depressing goodness into your system! Since alcohol is absorbed directly through the stomach lining into the bloodstream, plopping a large glop of goo-ified alcohol into it should have some interesting effects! Don't delay, buy Astronaut Alcohol, today! Perfection Stickers: Say teachers, do you find those average encouragement stickers you put on tests a bit too...assuring? Does "Awesome!" and "Great Work!" make a child too secure in his own abilities? Well friends, I have the answer. Perfection Stickers encourage good work....to a certain extent. However, they also work to undermine your student's confidence, building up insecurity complexes and driving him or her to new heights of nerve-driven excellence! After all, perfection is what Perfection Stickers is all about. Some examples include: "Way to go, Fatso!", "Great Job, too bad you're still ugly!", and "Super....I guess". Buy some today! The-Government-Chooses-Your-Adventure Books: Everyone loves the thrill of a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book, but what happens when the adventure becomes a little bit too hot for you to handle? Sit back and let the Government handle everything, my friend! After all the Government is comprised of the wealthiest and therefore wisest citizens! Experience what it's like to live in a tyranical military-dictatorship! Here's an exerpt from one of our more popular novels, entitled Oldthinkers Unbellyfeel Ingsoc: "It is time for the annual taxes to be collected. To pay taxes, turn to page 45. To refuse to pay taxes, report to the killing wall to be shot in the face." Satisfaction guaranteed or you'd better not tell anybody! Buy some today!! Mother Goose's Daycare/Contemporary Art Factory: After visiting the Chicago museum of contemporary art and staring at macaroni statues of Pope John Paul II, I realized that art now-adays has degenerated into ultra-vague abnormalities. In other words, there's money in junk. Here at Mother Goose's Daycare Center/Contemporary Art Factory, we let your children run wild with the very best of materials in the modern art world, such as rusty metal, food splatterings, bodily fluids, and all around junk. The creative masterpieces created by the childrens' play is collected daily and sold for millions to art collectors, funding the countless other projects here at CCI. IMI All-Purpose .50 Problem Solving Stick: Developed by our friends and neighbors of the Israeli Military, this handheld marvel will solve ANY problem, by utilizing a simple yet magnificient system. By pulling the easy-to-use problem solving trigger, the stick will instantly discharge a .50 calibur lead slug at over 1000 joules! A small dispute among friends? Simply point the PSS at the source of the problem and pull! Presto chango, the problem is solved in a tenth of a second! The PSS knows no age boundaries either! Tammy can't find a date to homecoming? Give her the Problem Solving Stick, lock her in her room, and like magic everyone is satisfied! The IMI All-Puprose .50 Problem Solving Stick: When rational thought isn't an option. Written February 13th, 2002 © on Feb 13 2002 01:36 PM PST   0 • 14