Principia Futilia Vol. II

Principia Futilia Vol. II containing the first duely recorded Study of Gothic Behaviorial Patterns On the prodigious and weighty reasons this study was conducted: Sirs, in this world of creatures many and queer, it was said at a time that there were none more elusive or stranger than the simple Suburban Goth. These palefaced, primitive marvels have existed in close proximity to Man for quite some time, and yet the information science has gathered about them thus far can fit on a single page. This is owed in part to the slippery nature of the Goth, as well as the reluctance of many modern scientists to study such a dangerous and unpredictable subject. However when I and my research team received a rare opportunity to observe a captive goth, we felt it simply could not up. I and my research assosciates spent the next few days in careful analysis of our subject, unbeknownst to him. Here are our findings, which I believe will aid mankind greatly in his quest to understand these simple and timid creatures. Relating a brief history of those involved with the research: Here is a list of the members of the research team (myself being the first listed) and a brief summary of their achievements. -Dr. Ruthenberg: Researcher and ethical advisor. Dr. Ruthenberg has various degrees in psychology, sociology, philosophy, and cryptonintendology. He has published several essays, among them being "Flesh Eating Bacteria: Friend or Foe?", and "An Assessment of the Use of Nuclear Weaponry on the Problem of France." -Dr. Philipp: Chief scientist and Jedi mind powers analyst. Having graduated under the tutelage of Yoda himself, Dr. Philipp has eerie powers that cannot be described through words. He was also a recepient of the Nobel Prize for Breakfast. -Dr. Karr: Assistant Scientist and experiment coordinator. Dr. Karr has applied her somewhat unconventional experimentation methods in numerous studies of lesser suburban life-forms, including Jocks, Players, and Catholics. Her contributions were vital to the project. -Dr. Lukes: Research expert and head weapons officer. Dr. Lukes, a graduate of both Harvard and Yale, (pre and elementary school respectively) stresses the importance of loving ones work. "I loved beaning that little cretin with anything and everything I could find. It really helped relieve stress," said Dr. Lukes in a recent television interview. He then added "Metallica rules." -Dr. Whitney: Logistics coordinator and head of resource development. While Dr. Whitney was frequently absent from the observations, (she assures us that pressing and important scientific matters elsewhere were to blame) her help with the project definetly resulted in great strides. One of the few participants brave enough to actually physically interact with the test subject, she allowed us a rare glimpse into Goth social behavior. -Dr. Vainisi: Research scientist and chief of data and bitchwork. Dr. Vainisi's many degrees and impecable taste in fashion kept the team going when all seemed lost. Of the physical characteristics of the subject and other bits of information worthy of record: Name: Adam (refers to himself as "Baron Vampyro") Height: 5'6'', 5'8'' in mating season due to boots Weight: 140 lbs Hair Color: Black Eye Color: Unknown as doctors have been unable to remove his cats eye contact lenses                 Unfortunately this is the limited amount of information we could obtain about the physical specifications of our subject. Dr. Karr made an attempt to collect data regarding the subject's genitalia, however he recated quite defensively and no information could be acquired. From this the following questions arise: Is the goth perhaps homosexual (or asexual) in nature? Or, does the Goth deem his genitalia inadequate, hinting at some reproductive deficiency? This would explain why there are rarely crossbreeding attempts made between Goths and other creatures of suburbia. It's doubtful we can reach a conclusion until hard (and soft) data is collected, so ideas are being formulated as to how this may be accomplished.             From the limited communications I have had with the subject before he was introduced into the observation chamber, I have discovered the Goth mindset is very fragile, and at times quite volatile. Verbal communication was quite hard to decypher, which makes me wonder just how much of our language the Goth actually understands and how much he simply mimics. When the Goth becomes particularly agitated or excited in his speech, he would flail his arms about, perhaps to emphasize key points or perhaps as a purely subconscious and uncontrollable function. It should be noted that similar behavior has been noted in other lesser forms of suburban life, such as Thugs. From what I could understand of his largely nonsensical ravings, the subject seemed to be very interested in our customs and our government, but was largely ignorant regarding both. His unintelligible comments might serve to threaten suburban creatures higher on the food chain, or to provide a sort of poor idealogical camoflauge, usefull in some situations.              When sealed in the observation chamber, the subject's behavorial patterns became calmer and more constant, offering us huge insight into Goth domestic life. The subject demonstrated near-human qualities never before thought to have existed in his kind, such as the motivation to create. The subject made primitive attempts at written communication, construction, and even art. Indeed, while some of the research team felt that this again was only simple mimicry of our customs, I found that Goth culture has a certain feel to it all its own.           The art produced by the subject reflected the rigid uniformity of the Goth culture, being made exclusively in red and black. Most works conveyed a message of either violence or discomfort, which (among other observations) lead our research team to formulate the theory of emotion synthesis. While it's fairly obvsious that Goths experience little in the way of human emotions, they have learned to mimic the effects of sorrow to an advanced degree. Again, the purpose of this is unknown. However, some of our team thinks it might be an instinctive effort to gain pity from the other forms of suburban life, which seems to be the only way the Gothic race has survived thus far. On that note, our research team made an attempt to test the validity of the widely accepted statement that the Goth is a largely passive creature. In retrospect, I agree with my comrades that this was a bad idea. However, our weapons officer insisted that we go through with it. After careful analysis of the subject's frail physical stature and bone structure, Dr. Lukes developed a weapon which he claimed would provide maximum irritation "without actually hurting the little freak." These weapons consisted of small, manually propelled blocks of paper, dyed yellow. Dr. Karr was adamant on the subject of the yellow dye, insisting that it was "cute in a happy sort of way." As documented in the observation logs, Dr. Lukes proceeded into the observation chamber and immediately started assaulting with the subject with his small weapons. The results were nothing short of horrific. The subject seemed confused after the first few volleys, however when one of the neatly-packed projectiles sturck him in the forehead, he fell upon Dr. Lukes with such fury that the two of them stumbled backwards into the door of the observation chamber, which cracked. After both receiving and dealing many vicious blows, Dr. Lukes managed to escape the observation chamber, however the subject followed closely and in no time at all had come dangerously close to us. In the chaos that followed, I somehow managed to snap off a picture. There then insued a ten minute struggle with the subject. I myself came into a brief scuffle with him, and I was quite impressed with his tenacity. Eventually, he was subdued and once again sealed away into the observation chamber. For the following half-hour he remained huddled in a corner, chittering away like some rabid animal. Dr. Lukes was treated for various cuts and abbrasions. Written February 13th, 2002 © on Feb 13 2002 12:38 PM PST   0 • 14