Mixed Thoughts

Future flowerless grave since day one of this life, Always been destined to pick up a knife, So tell me mom if you were still here would anything change? I'm so fucking sick of all of these games, Where do I turn when there's no where else to go, So many times when I needed you, your answer was no, I'm scared to remember all the past times we've shared, I'm scared of looking back and not finding what was never there.. Happiness is something I never deserved, And your love is something I simply never earned, I don't have the strength to complain, So what do I do with all of this pain?! You hated me, I hated you, it was a simple understanding, You hate me, That I can see, Me hating you, Why can't that be true? With everything you've done to me, With all the love I've yet to see, With all the fights we've been through, Why can't I hate you too?.. Happiness is something I never deserved, And your love is something I simply never earned, I don't have the strength to complain, So what do I do with all of this pain?! Emptiness is what completes me, So emptiness is what you'll see, I'm sorry if I disappoint you, I'm sorry if I can't make it through, So much to apoogize for, So why not just show me the door, Would you like me to smile more before I die, If I did I hope you wouldn't mind my happiness being a lie.. Happiness is something I never deserved, And your love is something I simply never earned, I don't have the strength to complain, So what do I do with all of this pain?! So many needed apologies, Some from you, Others from me, So once again no words are spoken, And I'm left with nothing but heartbreak as a token, If you only knew how I felt sometimes, If you only knew the basis of my thoughts were crimes.."Mixed Thoughts" is exactly what it's title describes it as. A bunch of mixed up thoughts. Just like "The Difference" it jumps around alot. Going from the death of my real mother, to my suicide attempts, to my family's hate for me, etc. To really understand anything someone writes, you must know them personally, or relate to it alot.. "My pain is clearly visable," as some people say, "but I just can't understand".. I get confusion from everyone I let read what I write, I hope some of you out there might be able to understand a little.. Written January 1st, 2002 © on Jan 01 2002 12:00 PM PST   20 • 0 • 1