The Roads Of The Heart

When you told me to follow my heart I listened with the utmost respect. In my life I've heard that line a thousand times and always thought it didn't make much sence, for the heart has many roads. So I swallowed my pride and I tokk the first road that my heart allowed. I found the end of that one very fast and wasn't surprised at teh problem I was faced with, jealousy. I seen it coming, even at a distance and still I walked on. When I found the dead end I had to ask myself what do I do now? Do I backtrack and try to go down a different road or do I stay put and try to conqure the hate that was buliding up inside me toward every other person you associated with? I decided to stay. You met me at that dead end and taought me a lesson I will keep close to me. Even though I think my love for you will outlast everyone elses I have to stand on the sidelines and if you truly love me and want to be with me, you will make the right decision. So after that I left that road and everything it meant behind me the best I could and went down the other one, one that was so familiar to me because I 've been down it so many times before. It was dark and though of where it led chilled me, suicide. I walked very slowly and even though I knew what was up ahead, I chose to keep going. Tears started to fill my eyes and I started to get weak and once again, you met me there. You told me without even opening your mouth that you are here to guide, and I need to learn, there is something beneath your beautiful eyes I have yet to dicover and I have to be patient, you never let me make it to the end of that one. So I hurried up and went to the next one that these child like eyes have never seen, and for some reason you held my hand as I walked the road of adulthood. I learned so many things and felt you were there whispering them in my ear the whole time. Lessons of life that I thought I knew all the answers to. As we walked together I surpassed all of the emotional boundries I once thought were made of brick and once again the road came to an end but I was happy for my accomplishments, everything I learned, and for my company. I backtracked again, still looking for the road that leads to your heart and found myself on one that I've been avoiding my whole life. I 've seen it, I've examined it, but I never took the time to walk it, the road of selfeshness. as I cautiously walked this narrow dirt road I saw myself pulling you away from things that are very important to you. I saw your son reaching out for you and at the same time I was pulling you away. I saw your freinds yelling your name and at the same time my selfeshness was covering your ears, I saw the pain you felt from being torn to making choices, from not wanting to disapoint me, and I cried. It was scary to see what I have done and was glad to have caught it in time before I pulled you so hard I actually pushed you away. You didn't have to meet me at the end of that road, for the images I saw along the way were lesson enough. I walked back a better person and was a ble to hold my head high. At the next road you met me at the begining and for some reason I felt the urge to hold you the whole time. You seemed annoyed and as wwe walked you slowly pulled yourself away, not completly, but you wanted me to walk on my own, and though I stumbled at first, I slowly regained my strength and was able to walk alone. When I got to the end I learned the road I just walked the road of dependencies, a sruggle I 've tried to overcome for a long time As I walked back I realized there was only one more road I needed to walk, and thought maybe this would be the one, I'd find your heart at the end I no longer would have to yearn. As I started down I saw you standing in front of me,you kept reaching for me and then pulling yourself away. You kept whispering " I want to " but never finished what you were saying. I wanted to run, i wanted to find the answer and then I realized this is something I am still trying to overcome, the road of patience. And then I realized that at the end of this road there will not be a dead end sign, but maybe, if I take to heart every road that I've traveled, this just might be the road that lead to your heart. Whatever the outcome, you were there the whole time, teaching, learning, holding my hand and staning back when I needed to learn on my own. You are my counseler and no one can take that away from me and I will love you until the end of time and longer for that as I walk more roads of the heart.I Written December 23rd, 2001 © on Dec 23 2001 03:15 PM PST, Chauna   0 • 10