Date (A Script; Adult Language)

(Martin is getting ready for his date) Martin: (looking in mirror) Oh you look sexy, oh baby (starts licking the mirror) Oh baby, you're hot, come on baby, feel it (Martin starts having sex with mirror) cut to blank scene (Edited Sequence) (Next scene: Martin on floor gets up looks in mirror), "Was that good for you baby?" Cut to a two-bit fast food joint Martin: (storm's in, sits down grabs menu.) Date: (Looks confused, slowly sits down opposite him) " I don't remember you from Friday night" Martin: (staring at date's chest) (In head) Oh look at them, oh she is nearly as hot as me, right now for that joke that Noel told me, that will break the ice. Martin: These three fellers, you know people, human beings, well they decide to go into a public house, you know a pub, and the first bloke says (pause) Fuck me Fuck me now, please, right on this Wimpy table, come on its stable this isn't Starburger. Come on, jump on my cock, ride me ride me hard, Wimpy isn't like Maccy D's or Burger King, we will have to wait for our food, so come on baby, you know you can't resist my charm. Date: What kind of a girl do you think I am? Martin: An easy, stupid one, no sorry, I was being sarcastic. (Date gets up and stabs Martin in the leg with a fork and storms out) Cut To Next Scene · Martin, Noel and Liam on sofa, in flat, Noel and Liam have cans of larger, Martins got a fork stuck in his leg. Noel: Mart, you should go to casualty with that. Martin: No, I am never going back to casualty, not after last time. Liam: You've got a fork stuck in your leg! Martin: I am fine; it looks worse than it is!! (Noel and Liam look confusingly at each other) Noel: Why won't you go to casualty? Martin: Not after last time! Liam: They won't remember! Noel: Yeah, when a man comes in with a video recorder stuck on the end of his penis, a pot stuck on his head and a Union jack flag at half-mast sticking out of his bottom, they're not really going to remember his face. Martin: Look, I don't want to talk about again. Noel: Oh go on, I forgot how the story goes Martin: Its completely innocent, I was setting the video for the korfball world championship on eurosport, while trying to sway my union jack flag and make a nice bowl of soup, I spilt some of the soup and slipped and got Mr. Spanky caught in the video recorder. Noel: Did you try pressing eject? Martin: Shut up! Liam: Mart? Martin: What? Liam: Why were you naked? Noel:  Yeah, do you often sit alone in your flat, naked eating soup watching kortball on eurosport with a union jack flag?? Martin: Shut up Liam: I mean if it was the Adult channel or playboy TV then I could understand, but Eurosport and korfball? That's just wrong! Martin: I was just getting out of the shower; I had a small towel on. Noel: the whole incident was a bit of an X- rated Frank Spencer Affair wasn't it. Martin: Fuck off! Liam: You should have filmed it; we could have made £250 quid off that fat bird on ITV. Noel: Yeah!! You've been having sex with electrical appliances. Liam: More like you've been making this whole story up, you lying bastard. You were having sex with a video recorder while watching Korfball, and I don't even want to think where the flag and tomato soup enter in this whole perverted episode. Martin: Shut up, I would leave if my leg wasn't inflamed by this fucking fork. (Noel and Liam both laughing, Liam gets up, goes in kitchen to get his pot noodle he looks around, dirty kitchen, shakes his head, walks back into living room, past Martin, looks up and smiles, and grabs the fork) Martin: Fucking hell, you bastard. (Screaming as he's just had a fork pulled out of his leg) Liam: Don't mention it mate. (Starts eating his pot noodle)Moo ha ha ha!!! Written January 19th, 2002 © on Jan 18 2002 07:43 PM PST   0 • 14