Sunday Bloody Sunday (A Script)

First Episode?Noel and Liam in front room. Both have guitars, Noels has an ‘L’ plate on it.Liam: It’s E minor then C you knob.Noel: That’s not what it says in the book.Liam: What does it say in the book?Noel: Grill gently for 5 minutes and serve on a bed of lettuce.Liam: That isn’t the Oasis chord book I told you to buy, is it?Noel: Chord book, I thought you said cook book!(Both slap foreheads melodramatically).Noel: I got it signed by Ainsley Harriott though.Liam: (reads inscription) Dear Noel lots of love Frank Bruno.Know wot I mean Noelly.Noel: It looked like him at the time!Liam: How do you expect to teach you how to play guitar with Delia Smiths winter collection?Noel: Apparently you get a roll with it?!?!Liam: I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.Noel: APPARENTLY YOU GET A ROLL WITH IT!!!Liam: I really hate you, you know.Cut to pub. Later.Liam: I f#$&ing love you, you bastard.Noel: I love you to mate.Liam: You know the best thing about having sex with kangaroos?Noel: What’s that then?Liam: They’ve got a pouch so you’ve got somewhere to park your pint whilst on the job!Noel: What job, oh I see, very clever.Liam: (spots lonesome couple of girls at bar) Eh up lad, totty alert watch the doctor of love at work. The gynacologist is about to operate.Noel: Whatever mate, I won’t wait up.Liam walks John Travolta style up to bar.Liam: If I said I had 12 million pounds in my bank account, would you sleep with me?Girl: You haven’t, have you?Liam: Well no, but if I said I did would you sleep with me?Girl: No.Liam: God I hate lesbians. Why didn’t you just say “overwhelmed and flattered as I am to have such a gentlemen make advances toward me I feel it my duty to inform you that I am a hospital door”.Girl: A what?Liam: A hospital door, you know, swings both ways!(Girl slaps Liam and walks away. Then turns back and headbutts him and kicks him in the testicles).Liam: If I told you I had a ruptured spleen would you sleep with me?Girl: No!! no!! and thrice no!Liam gets up and John Travolta’s his way back to the table.Noel: Smooth, in fact you are more smooth than a really, really smooth thing.Liam: Is that the best you can do?Noel: O.K You are smoother than a pint of lager that’s been sanded down by handy Andy with an industrial sander and strained through a pair of Carol Smillie’s crotchless panties.Liam: Now that’s smooth, and strangely arousing. (glazed expression) Oh yes Andy, you sexy MDF. Give me your long hard dado rail give it to me now!Noel: Anyway, When’s your next gig?Liam: Next Saturday, I think, why?Noel: I want to go. Where is it?Liam: Its at the Ferret and Potato, on the high street.Noel: I heard that pubs rough.Liam: Just a bit. There’s a car park space marked out for the ambulances. Even I got thrown out from there.Noel: Really, why?Liam: Someone hit me so I hit them back.Noel: And they threw you out for that?Liam: Yes, for being a wimp. I only hit him once when I should have headbutted him repeatedly and bitten his nose off and then kicked him in the head until he vomits blood.Noel: Oh.Liam: Apparently its their idea of ettiquette.Noel: What did you do?Liam: I got up, wiped the blood from my chin, opened the door and said “I’ve been thrown into better pubs than this”.Noel: I bet that showed them.Liam: Yeah, Then I broke the bar mans knuckles.Noel: How?Liam: I used a technique known as kami-kazi. Noel: What’s that?Liam: I cunningly used my nose to break his knuckles.Noel: Ah.Bar man gets on stage.Bar man: Ladies and gentlespoons may I introduce to you our top of the range, fully insured brand new kari-oki machine. Have we any volunteers?The girl Liam was talking to stands up.Bar man: What would you like to sing for us this evening.Girl: Like a virgin.Noel: CHANCE WOULD BE A FINE THING.(SLAPPERS).Girl: I said like a virgin not I am a virgin dick head.Noel and Liam together: OOOOHHHHH. (with handbags)Liam: I hate kari-oki.Noel: So do I , its from Japan.Liam: Really?Noel: Yeah, kari-oki classic Japanese words, You’ve got kami-kazi which means “nutty bloke in an aeroplane”, hari-kari which means “to commit suicide” and kari-oki which probably means “social suicide”.Liam: Why?Noel: Because once you have yelled in your most tuneless voice, because lets face it alcohol has a habit of changing your singing style from that of Bing Crosby to that of Shane Mcgowan from the Pogues. Once you’ve stood on a bar with your trousers around your ankles, crabsticks sticking out of your bottom and a condom semi-inflated, possibly used, over your head and with an inflated catholic priest by your side screaming the lyrics to Dancing Queen, you are not likely to want to show your face in public are you?Liam: I did.Noel: You are definitely the exception to that particular rule, and you’ve never met any Japanese people.Liam: I met Gary Lineker.Noel: I know but you got over it after the therapy. Anyway, care for a pork sratching?Liam: Yes I did.Noel: What?!Liam: 6 years I cared for my pork scratching 6 years!. Then she left me for a salted cashew nut. I mean you think you know your bar snack girlfriend and then she just stabs you in the back and keeps twisting the knife until it pierces your very soul, and all the lifeblood that ever coursed through your body drains away and ens up in a pool of congealing vomit outside a pub in Grimsby. Bitch.Noel: You are deeply disturbed aren’t you?Liam: Definitely, maybe.Back in the flat. Noel is reading the cook book.Noel: Grill gently. How can you grill something gently? What are you supposed to do, wrap it in cling film and cotton wool so it doesn’t bruise.Liam: Its like that song, killing me softly. Its implausible, it’s physically impossible to strangle the breath out of someone and repeatedly batter them with a broomstick gently.Anyway I’ve paid my debt to society and I’m getting on with my life.Noel: No you’re not you still have dreams about having “relations” with Carole Smillie. Whilst pregnant!Liam: Yes but only on a Wednesday!OK, the end is a little crap, but Anthony and I couldn't think of a way to end it. Written October 28th, 2001 © on Oct 28 2001 05:55 AM PST   0 • 14