School What Is It Good For? ADULT LANG. A SCRIPT.

Noel, Liam and Martin go to their school reunion, they walk into the scholl hall, there is a banner reading "CLASS OF 96". Noel is wearing a t-shirt that says "My other T-shirts are in the wash", Liam is wearing a Rage Against The Machine T-shirt that says, "I'm not a number". Martin is wearing a tank top, cheap shoes and all his hair is greased to one side. Noel heads straight to the Punch Bowl, Liam walks over to a group of women... Liam: Hi, don't tell me,Laura, Kate and Jessica. Women 1: No actually, I'm Sally, that's Kim and the blonde is Pam. Liam:I don't remember you? Kim: No we don't remember you. :Camera cuts outside, the school gate reads Hampshire Grammer School For Girls. Camera cuts back into the school. Noel: I think we're at the wrong place. Liam: What are we gonna do? Martin: Let's just walk out with our heads held high, with dignity and pride. Noel: For once I agree with the ferretfucker. : All three walk towards the door, they walk across the dancefloor, at the door they turn and look back. Liam: Easy! Noel: Yeah, I thought an amusing incident slash accident may have occured, causing a slapstick style injury to one if not all of us. Resulting in great physical pain as well as making us look silly in front of a room full of top totty. Luckily, as yet no such incident has occured. Martin: Lets go! Noel and Liam: Lets go! :All three burst through the double doors in a seventies cop style. A caption comes on screen. "Two hours later after petrol, a stop at a cafe and an argument over who invented the map. All three walk into a simliar schoolhall, a banner reads "class of 96". A man walks over to them in a sharp suit, he looks at Noel, Liam and Martin. Man: Are you the caterers? Liam: Are you a twat? Man: Oh sorry, the special needs kids are over there in the corner playing with the ballons, (Slowly)Is that alright? Liam: Small dick steve!! Man: What?! Liam: Small dick steve, I didn't recognise you for a minute there, god you've changed. Steve: Liam, (Goes to say his second name, but a party popper goes off) and this must be Noel (Goes to say his second name but a champagne bottle cork pops) and this must be Martin (Goes to say his second name but the sound os a sheep is heard) (Noel and Liam look at each other) Liam: Fucking sound effects men, can't live with em, and get fired when you shoot them. Steve: How are you guys doing? (Liam goes to speak) Well I've been running this company, fairly suceesful if I do say so myself, made 60k last year, got myself some shares as well, you must invest in some. I'd give you some free advice. Anyway thats enough business talk (Liam goes to speak again) I've got a lovely wife called Karen, Karen come over here (Points to a well dressed type,very posh,very repressed) Karen these are some people I went to school with. Noel: (Sarcasm) Never, this is a school reunion! Steve: Still an anonnoying sacastic barstard then Noel. Noel: Born one and I'll die one, probably by someone taking what I say literally and beating me to a bloody pulp with my own shoes. Steve: Ok then, this is Liam, Karen. Liam: Nice tits, great arse. :Karen looks shocked and scared, quite a skill. Karen: So you guys were friends? :All look round nervously. Karen:(To break the awkward silence) So what have you been doing with yourselves? (Liam is about to start talking, mumbling "my elves?? what elves?") Karen: Well Steve is the Managing Director Sales Executive Chairman of a company, he drives a BMW and I've got a lovely Fiat Punto. He plays golf with some very influential men and squash with the chairman of the second biggest supplier of paperclips in the area. We've got two lovely children, Sarah-Jane and Edward-James, they both attend the best grammar school in the country. Some of the finest Englishmen have beeen there, Brian May, Gerald Sinsdadt and even Stewart Hall. We've also got a lovely second home in Devon. And this year it looks as though Steve will join the Masons.(Steve is beaming with pride)Sorry I'm prattling on, what about you guys? Liam: Well since leaving School in the blistering summer of 96, I've had some of the best wanks I've ever had. :Karen looks scared and confused. Karen: And You?? (Points to Noel) Noel: Well I can't compete with Liam on the wanking front. Mine were actually while at school, you see there was this really gorgeous French supply teacher, and one day... Karen: NO!! I meant careerwise. Noel: Sorry, Career, well I can't compete with small dick Steve here, because I won't suck the cock of any coroparate scumbag, I have morals and a freedom that small dick Steve and you "iron knickers" Karen would never undrerstand. I've explored my mind and seen things you could not imagine. I've grown up as a person, discovered more about my actual self, the real me. I've asked myself some important questions and generally have tried to discover who I really am. I also had some great wanks like Liam. As for you (Grabs Steve) You left school and went straight to uni, and continued the educational propaganda this country throws out, you created no individual thoughts of your own, you revised and remembered what the fascists told you, you passed the test on "intelligence" and got yourself a nine to five job, nine nine nine nine nine (Noel does a nazi salute and starts marching up and down) we have ways of making you join the coroparate race, for money and power, raping and pillaging the world for your own greedy needs. Then through a person at work you met Karen, probably working in marketing or PR. Karen: Actually yes, you see I'm in PR with an exclusive company in London, we just did a job with.... Noel: (Jumping up and down with rage) SHUT UP!, anyway you meet Karen and she sees money and you see a pussy, and together yet another lovelesss marriage was born. Two children arrive, you may want to look into that Steve, I think someone has had an affair (Points at Karen) these two children are brought up by a nanny, are now at an elitist grammar school, but why can't we all be taught the same? Surely thats democracy? No these people have money so therefore they get a special elite type of education, so they get to make all the money that they're so in love with and consumed by. These children of yours, they will grow up unloved, and Steve I know you cry youself to sleep at night don't deny it. No sex life with Karen, your children are like strangers and all you do is work, and why do you crave all this power and money? why?? because you're small dick Steve. Now I'm getting a drink. :Noel storms past Steve and Karen. Liam: Sorry about him, I mean its the truth, but sorry if he shattered your illusions. :Karen and Steve look shell shocked, Liam goes to walk past. Liam: Still you've got a cracking arse Karen. TO BE CONTINUED....Just another script. Written March 4th, 2002 © on Mar 04 2002 06:43 AM PST   10 • 0